Home

Advertisement

Customize

cocoathemonkey

Recent Entries

12/28/06 01:41 pm - mhm

i dnt know what day it is.. and im tool lazy to take the mouse and hover over the clock on the bottom right hand side of the screen.
hmm... ill figure it out later.

but today is gonna be a BLASTY! its about pokemon and Derek coming over. lol
we are gonna battle, and then we are gonna go on an adventure together to see which one of us is truely the Pokemon Master.
he brags on how hes the best and unstopable..
but i say "nay".. im coming for him..

and when we battle on my bday...
i know i will beat him..
i already have great pokemon that will kill him.
like his Geodude... my Mankey will kill it.
hahaha

anyways..
hes coming now..

and its on..




oh yeah,
Haley is still sick.
=/
and thats not fantastical...
nope.. not at all.
Current Mood: cold

12/25/06 05:52 pm - its been a longg while

its been long since i last posted. i just dnt think i have enough time for this site... its all the Myspace crap. im addicted.

well i guess we have to catch up huh?

lets see...
well me and Michelle are no longer together, nor will we ever be. We have totally just abbandoned eachother. and in a way, i think it was the right move for the both of us. Things just werent working out.. Nothing was the same after what she did. (its a long long story.. trust me).

But on a good note: i have meet a gal named Haley. Shes pretty sweet. Shes funny, outgoing and really cute. But the one negative i have on her is that... she in the 'druggy' crowd. mostly pot.. but she does other things as well. NOT TOO BIG of things but like shrooms and crack.... =/ lmao..

but i know ill never get into that, and peraps shell get out of it soon.... b4 its too late.
hmm..

tomarrow, me and her are supposed to hang out. she gonna come over and well play some rounds of Need For Speed: Most Wanted, and maybe a lil bit of Guitar Hero 2.. and idk whats gonna happen from there.. lol ;D

but i hope all goes well.. there are soo many thing i still need to write.. but im kinda tired of writing already.. and i feel like playing Age Of Empires. lmao.
soo ill get back to ya.

later,
freddy.
Current Mood: content

10/28/06 09:16 am - its been a while...

I dnt remember the last time i have updated.

I'm feeling ok. Michelle and I are good, i think. She said everything is well. But i just cant get the thought out of my head that maybe shes just saying that and soon she'll break it off. Because that is what she was gonna do last time, but her friend told her it was wrong and she HAD to tell me and not lead me on. And perhaps this time around she going for the same aprouch but she not telling anyone, because she doesnt want to tell me that she wants to break it off.

idk.

im just saying stuff that is on my mind. In reality, i know its not gonna happen. But i gat friends that keep putting that in my head. It would have been nothing to me, but after us breaking up 5 times, im pretty much paranoid. But i love her sooo much, and im not ready for her to leave.

but ill tell you what....

last week, we didnt talk at all. And i was sure she was gonna break it off again. AND i didnt even care if she was or not. Because if she did, then i would have my best friend Ashley to comfort me. And thats all i need. But now, I dnt wnat her to leave. She is my one and only someone. and i cant leave that.

everything is fine...
everything is fine.

im in love.

and thats all that matters to me right now...
right at this moment.

----------------------------------------------------

Ashley:
i love you, youre the best.
(i figured i'd write that)
lol
Current Location: room
Current Music: in flames - clouds connected
Current Mood: dirty

9/19/06 09:15 pm - Happy Me

I seen Michelle like twice, it was sooo AWESOME!

i first went to go see her on friday. then again on monday!! OMG i love her sooooo much! i couldnt stop kissing her!!!! im pretty much addicted to her now. lol. omg i just cant wait till the next time i see her. idk when, but im leaving that to her, cuz all the times i make plans to see her... it doesnt work out. weird. lol. but yeah.

i love her.

LOVE HER TO DEATH!!!

im sooo lucky.

9/3/06 10:28 am - the change of mind

Last night was pretty tight.

Me, Derek, Kyle, Jeff, Jeff's two friends, Marcial, Ashley, Anna, Anna's two friends, and Matt all went to the movies. The movie was pretty funny. We seen Taladega Nights.

We were gonna see Accepted at 3:00 pm. But the website that i looked at for the times, said the wrong time. It actually started at 5:00 pm. So it was Me, Derek, Kyle, Jeff, and Jeff's two friends that got there at 2:30 and we had to wait for almost 3 hours. But we made it fun by wasting all of our money on this one hunting game. It was soo fucking fun. We played it for 2 hours before the movie, and for about 30 minutes after. Derek said that one day, he will have that game in his house. lol. It was VERY addicting.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Christian -
  • relating to or characteristic of Christianity; "Christian rites"
  • following the teachings or manifesting the qualities or spirit of Jesus Christ
  • a religious person who believes Jesus is the Christ and who is a member of a Christian denomination


Im having a change of mind of what I am. My faith is starting to come back, and i am confused of what i want.

I told my mom that i wanted to get saved. Her eyes grew so large, i swear i was inside of a anime! she all like, "WHAT???" then gave me a blank stare.
But she said that i have to think about it for a while, and not for me to rush into things. I need to take it slow.
and i have been thinking about the saving thing. A part of me wants it, *but the other part says that it likes what i am right now, and doesnt want to totally change.

(*im going towards this part of me)

i just want to change what i believe.
I was Athiest, then Agnostic, and now Christian.

yes i am now the son of God (and that feels good to say that).

Change can be good, yet it could be bad. But, this change right here, is lovely.
my fingers are shaking... i  just cant believe that after all this time being a non-believer, i am now typing these words.

..... i have nothing else to say.
may God be with you.

bye bye

Current Music: Thursday - Signals Over The Air
Current Mood: blank

8/30/06 09:57 pm - HELL YEAH!!!

I just came back from church 30 mins ago. Michelle invited me, so i went. It was sooo crazy. I havnt even been to a regular church in like 7 years, and i wasnt really sure if i could take it much. But then towards the end I started feeling.... something. I hid what i was feeling from Marcial & Matt. But in there, i felt relaxed, yet nervous to take the next step.

Im not sure if i still believe. I just dnt get it when ppl say they "feel" god, or they have a conversation with jesus. I DNT FUCKN GET IT. they must be crazy or something, but thats really rude to say, but i just dnt. I can never see Michelle up there in the front waving her hands in the air yelling, "THANK YOU JESUS!!"

Church was cool though. There was this one guy towards the end who was telling this HELLA funny story about his golfing accident. it was funny (well to me. Marcial & Matt were not even making a grin). I told Marcial that he should be a stand up comedian. Because its just the way he acts and the way he tells the story is what makes it sooo funny.

But i never got to hear the rest of his awesome story, cuz my mom had to pick me up. It sucked cuz i atleast wanted to spend 10 minutes with Michelle. But we are going to the movies on saturday. Hopefully she can still go.



but i think thats it....

yeah.

i dnt feel like writing anymore... so im gonna go.

ill update sometime soon.. again.

k, bye!!!

:D
Current Music: Norma Jean - Disconnecktie
Current Mood: confused

8/29/06 03:44 pm - uh huh

HECKA LOVE YOU KIDDO!!!
Current Music: Genghis Tron - The folding Road
Current Mood: bouncy

8/28/06 04:50 pm - home from the first day of school

Today was hella hot. I couldnt believe it. It was so hot that when i went to marcials house to put on another shirt (cuz my other one was sweaty) the back of my other shirt was ALL SOAKING WET!! lmao. it was pretty gross. but hey, its me.

Today went by smoothly. My classes r pretty easy to remember. I memorised where they r now. So tomarrow might not be such a hassle.

Jeff and Derek said they were gonna scope out to find hot girls. And with me, it wierd cuz i didnt check out one girl, or thought any girl was hot. When derek and jeff saw alot. Its soo awesome! This thing with me and michelle is great. Not once did i look at another girl. And to be really honest, I never done that before. Everytime i had a girlfriend, I always saw someone like... hotter. But not this time, Im sticking to michelle - to the very end.

But yeah, back to school... Lunch was hella packed. It was crazy to see that many ppl at lunch! And its gay becuz the freshman & sophomores all have the same lunch time. theres is no 4th or 5th lunch, its just one big lunch at 5th period. its sooo crazy.
Current Music: Genghis Tron - Sing Disorder
Current Mood: tired

8/27/06 01:45 pm - sitting in my room

im trying to hide from my torchering parents, that try to make me clean the house for thier ammusment. Its to to know that im just in my room, and they probably dnt know im here. Well, maybe my mom does, cuz i had to get my shoes and she saw me go in my room. crazy....

my mom just left fo soda...................

Yesterday i went to a birthday party in Hayward. It was a drag, but the only thing that was keeping us from falling asleep of bordom, was the fact that we were all laughing at eachother, while making fun of eachother. Telling eachother how gay they are, or making fun of orange hair, and even making fun of the knees showing when you wear shorts. It would have to be the most funniest night ever.

It was the making fun of eachother and the fact that all our dads were hella drunk. lol. its was sooo damn funny. on the way home from the party, my dad siad that he was feeling sick and that we needed to pull over so he can throw up. (i didnt get to have a chance of seeing waht come up first) So when he went over to some bushes and trees, he couldnt even walk right. And when nothing came put of his mouth, he said that he was better, but when he tryed to come down the TINY hill, he tripped and fell. And he was just laying there for a bit, then all the sober/drunk parents tryed to get him up. its was pretty funny.

.........................

I wanted to call Michelle when we got back. She said to call at 10:30, but that little detour of the drunken dad, through off the time. so i didnt get a chance to. She said that she was busy now and to call her in 30 more mins. but when i did, she didnt pick up. left a msg to her explaining that i wanted to talk to her, and to call me back.

she hasnt called me back.

Im scared again. I dont want to loose her. Although she has her whole life ahead of her, as do i, im pretty freaked out that she just one day say, "hey, theres other guys out there, i have my whole life ahead of me, i cant just be with one guy."

but the fact is, i want to be that 'one' guy, and i want her to be my 'one' girl. i know its really really really too realy yo jump to conlcusions, but deep deep deep within my gut, i know that she is the 'one' for me. No one else can make me feel like so happy, so joyous, so frickn lucky, like she has done. and i hope, oh do i hope, that she feels the same way.

im gonna try to call her. Maybe she'll pick up.
hmm... i dunno. i never know when she is not busy, so its kinda hard for me to call her. i dnt want to call her and have her be like, "im busy, can you call me later?"

im like, "sure, i will do that"

but i never know wehn later is. What if she is still busy? then like i will never get to talk to her. Unless she starts to call me evrytime she is not busy. but like..... yeah.

i love her :D


bye bye
Current Mood: blank

8/25/06 06:09 pm - talk, and some more

im like hella nervous now.

after 4 straight nights of talking and asking about sex, Michelle says she is ready. Although it probably wont happen for a little while (like when i start driving), im still nervous of the fact that its gonna actually happen.

I love her soo much!! She is my dream girl, my one and only, my perfect little someone.

I told her last night while we were whispering (we were whispering becuz she didnt want her brother or sister to know she was awake) that i didnt want to loose her. She told me not to worry, and that i would never loose her, and she loves me. I was soo happy.

My days seem brighter. my heart feels warmer, my love is stronger. I can fell it. I truely feel, with everything i have, think SHE is the one. I know that i will spend the rest of my days in her arms. Kids, work, family, everything with her. Too soon for conclusions you say?, well as i did say, "I DONT CARE". The love we shear with one another is soo powerful, it just binds us together and i know the flame will never be burned out.

My hands are shaking at the joyness i fell. The happy i thought i would never regain. The thought of us together forever and ever more.

*I love you Gina Michelle Black with every thing in me. Forever we will be, and i do not dout that for a second, nor will i ever.

thank you guys for your time.

bye
Current Mood: soo fuckn happy

8/24/06 01:17 pm - nothing

im just sitting here alone in my room. its about 1 o'clock. and im very very bored.

This girl i used to like, Heather, msged me on myspace today. And she started complaining about how her BF just wants to get in her pants, and that she cant find i decent guy that she can just hang out and talk with, and that i look like a nice and respectable guy. I mean although i am, i didnt want her to start liking me. Cuz then i would have to tell her that im kinda involved with someone. :/

soo we talked for a bit. And me (being a romantic) was trying to find all the wrong things to say, but i always said things that she said made her smile and thought of me as a hero.

...she said she smelt a new kind of perfect, and it was me.

i was like... ok? how do i stop this without being mean. and the only thing i could say is..
"the like PB&J" lol
and you know what? she screams and says she loves PB&J!! im like... shit.

so then she asked if she would give me her number, would i call her?
im like,
"sure, anytime"

that was that was sttupid on my part. s othen she gave me her number and we talked a little more, about stuff that i dnt even remember.
oh yea, she did say she liked deftones. she said she loves them!!! woo.
and this other guy i dnt really know likes them too (i think i got him freaked out cuz i talked to him out of nowhere, lol)

but i think im gonna have to call Heather, so that she doesnt get mad. Or upset, i wouldnt want that

so yea. i am on my way to call her.
and hopefully she doesnt pick up. cuz i dnt feel like talking to her right now. lol




BYE!
Current Location: aboard the mother ship
Current Mood: bored

8/23/06 07:43 pm - sex talk

yes. I still talk to Michelle. We talk all the time on the phone. I love her. and for the first time in a fucking while, i actually trust her. She's the first woman i trusted in like ever. I love her soo much.

She's trying to get into enochs. but if she isnt succesful, i wont care. cuz i will try everything in my power for us to work. I would do anything for her. i know its very very very soon to conclude to things, but i still dnt care. cuz i feel like she would be the that would be carrying my kids. Talking about the future is, i know, kinda soon and stupid, but i love it.

last night for over a hour and a half, we were talking about sex. just asking questions to one other. she would ask me a question and i would answer it truthfully, and same with her. She said after us seeing eachother for a little bit, she whould be ready. Even though im ready for anything, i wouldnt do anything that she wouldnt want to do. esspecailly sex. so if she back out at the last minute, i would completely understand.

im gonna be driving maybe by the end of november. and that way, i could drive to her house late at night and see her. i havnt felt this way about ANY girl. not at all. and its hard, cuz i cant just keep getting my hopes up all the time. But i dnt give a shit, my hopes will fly higher than any mountain peak, any building, higher than the clouds, my hopes will rush past mars.

chills run down my spine when i think of what will or might happen. I want us to work. i want to be with her forever.
i hope.

she is,
she really is,
my
one and only someone.
i love her soo much.
Current Music: thursday - counting 5-4-3-2-1
Current Mood: grateful

8/22/06 10:24 pm - calling her

im on the phone.

8/16/06 09:26 am - A little time alone.

im on AIM talking to Jordan. She's pretty cool. She would be a total cool friend to hang with. We dont have any classes with eachother, so that sucks. I have one class with ash (math), i dnt know about the rest. HOPEFULLY i have a bunch of classes with marcial. like guitar, graphic design, and math.. we WILL have lunch together, so thats cool.

The school looka sooo ghetto right now. theres no grass, the concrete is not down in most places yet. and we have no lockers yet! but i know they will be done when we graduate. lol  :D

Me and michelle talk on the phone all the time now. It's cool i guess. I dnt why we couldnt do it when we were going out, but we do. so thats that. We are tight friens, and nothing more. Nor wll there be.

so now im just on the comp, talking about ghetto stuff with Jordan (lol), and thinking of what to do today. Probably nothing, like always.

LOL. Jordan just ask me top slow dance with her. haha.
*spaz

she's soo great. lol

Current Mood: awake

8/14/06 07:45 am - another boring monday

Well me and michelle are like hella tight friends now. We were texting and and i kept thinking about if we were still gonna go back out at the end of August. So i ask her, "Would it be wierd if i said i love you?"

she responded with, "I guess not, what kind?"

i was soo depressed. It felt like my heart jammed into my throat; i couldnt speak! So I then told her, "THE love, the one deep down in your gut, the romance."

"uhmm.." she said.

So then i asked her flat out, "I'm guessing we are not gonna do the whole end of August thing, huh?"

"No," she said, "I love you, but just not in that way. I thought things would be different, but they arent. Plus what we have now is perfect. I love talking to you."

I felt soo crushed...
beatn down by a soft soul. Everyday i would hope that this relationship keeps going strong like the way i dreamed. But as they say, you should never get your hopes up.

I think now, I'm finished. I am FUCKING done. I am tired of having my heart broken! I wont allow it anymore! I can't trust women with my heart anymore.

no more

.....

I always ask myself, "why?"
"why cant i have a loving relationship?"
"why can't girls say 'i love you' to me and mean it?"
"why do I trust them?"
"why is this happing?"
"why?..."

Questions that I know will never be answered and will never help me carry on.

And you know what the worst part of it is?
SHE SAID SHE FUCKING LOVES ME!!!!!!

but now ALL OF A SUDDEN it just stops.
all the fucking laughter, all the romantic moments just wiped out of her brain replacing it with shit!

thats all i am, shit.

i am ALWAYS goona be a fucking FRIEND FIGURE and NOTHING ELSE!!!
THIS ALWAYS HAPPENS!
"oh freddy im sorry, i just... think of you only as a friend."

FUCKING BULLSHIT!!

thats why i am through.
done
finished

I know she's out there. The one that will confort me, love me, hold me, kiss me.
that is,

my one and only someone.
Current Music: MSI - I Hate Jimmy Page
Current Mood: crushed

7/27/06 10:58 pm - someone help me?

im just sittinh here, asking...

asking stupid questions, that i know that will never be answered, but i still ask.

what is happening?
i want to know whats happening to me.

why am i getting all caught up?


i hate it

these dumn questions


im done

7/23/06 09:49 am - Michelle & I

are over.

i guess she told me before that we were. idk. i dnt remember, unless she speaks of the whole church thing that she cant date for 2 months. But she said that she wants to go back out after august. idk.

i think her feelings has changed. i dnt know what im going to do. im hurt again.
once again a girl screwed me over. i dnt think i will ever fibd a decent woman that will stay with me & do anything to be with me. and dnt tell me i will, becuase you dnt know. neither do i.

im feeling really shitty about myself. im blaming this whole relationship problem as my fault. did i come on too hard? did i bother her about me keep saying that i want to see her? was she annoyed?

help me out

im fading.
Current Mood: frustrated

7/22/06 10:46 pm - CRazy DAy

im back from Great America. It was oka... i didnt go on most of the rides that i wanted to go on.. but it was just oka.

myspace is being all retarded... it said that it had a power shortage or something. myspace always has problems!!

i talked to michelle for a little bit, while i was at GA. I dnt know if she wrote me back on myspace, becuz its being gayish.....

i wanna do something
im bored

i need a smoke
Current Location: bedroom of doom
Current Mood: blah

7/19/06 04:25 am - another night alone

without a word from my love



i love michelle sooo much
will she even call?
i want her to. maybe i will if she doesnt....

hmmm




I LOVE MICHELLE BLACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
always
Current Mood: crappy

7/18/06 01:22 am - scared && very sad

Me and Michelle are, well, idk

i love her very much. & with all my heart
but im worrying about the future. what will happen?


I NEVER EVER get to see her.
and it hurting me.

its painful
to be with someone, that you can't even see. I want to be with her, but theres no way how to.

Everytime i make plans to see her, she always seems she's up for it, and that she can't wait.
but then at the LAST SECOND something always seems to come up.

i mean, its probably just a coincidence, but im not sure.

ive been hurt ALOT. and i cant seem to trust any girl anymore.
i want to tell myself that its the truth and that everything will be fine, but i cant stop thinking about it.

i am now depressed.

sad



and loving her
oh so much



and it hurts me
to have a gf









that i cant even see
Current Mood: depressed
Powered by LiveJournal.com